idea lies

i learn to love her in her absence so that when we meet I can adore her as the living embodiement of my idealized desire.

some quote

“You must understand that writing, in the form that I do it when I write a novel for instance, is an entirely different thing than the process of filmmaking, whether shooting or writing a screenplay. When you write a screenplay, you are thinking of the story, you are thinking of plot and decent structure and a visual way to convey what you want to tell. When I write, I come from the tradition of American modernists, like Franz Hessel or Henry Miller, I shape things like drunken rambles, I try to give them the form of narrative but twisted in a way that feels like personal monologue or unspoken prayers. Writing is a very religious experience for me, it is my soul I deposit on the paper. Film is never like that. It is much more conceptual. It is about great ideas about men and humanity and fate and destiny and love and how to arrange everything under a model of great vision, then it is about committing to this vision. I think I am much better at writing than at filmmaking, but I need to have both since film is such an exhausting enterprise, I can then do some writing to balm my burns. But I need film as well because it has an intensity that makes my life worth living. Whenever I am done with a film and the press has died down and I am not promoting it anymore, I fall into this great depression and want to shoot myself. But you sort of gradually learn to deal with it and I feel I have gotten better. But still there’s this extreme anguish kind of feeling when I am working on a film, I always feel like it will be my last one. It is extremely stressful.”

strait jackets

My greatest hardship, my longstanding enemy, as well as my best friend, is undoubtedly my loneliness. It can feed with furor my intensity as well as damage any decent will to live. It is like a strait jacket in which I must find my fit.

moments and intensity

You must write everything you feel intensely about the moment you feel intensely about it. Some truths get distorted and some say that only something with the adequate balance of objective distance and personal intensity can qualify as worthwhile art. Whatever. A moment lived intensely, if you place your faith in it, will remain timeless.

folded dreams

had a dream about a non-existent documentary of movie “Mauvais Sang”. Dream consisted in renting this documentary and proceeding to watching it, but everything was folded with the reality of the documentary and the reality of my idea of the documentary (my expectations). My dreams have begun to contain more and more codes for nested dreams.

it was once said

“True literature can only exist when it is created, not by diligent and reliable officials, but by madmen, hermits, heretics, dreamers, rebels and sceptics”

letter from Jack to Bob

Hello Bob,

I have heard through the grapevine that you have been influenced by my writing. I demand that you take out of the market every single thing on which I was an influence. This most likely includes all of your records. If this order is not completed by next Friday the 30th of March, I will be sure to have my lawyer contact you.

Sincerely,

Jack Kerouacky.

letter from juvenile hall

“Hello Brother,

Thank you for your dubbed tape of Westside Connection’s album. It is fucking great. My favorite song is “Bow Down” and “King of The Hill” even though they diss Cypress Hill which is my favorite group. Send me a videotape of your recorded videos from Rapcity so I can watch them here. We watch movies too so if you have an interesting movie to recommend please let me know so I can ask the guard. I am set to come out in five months still. It is very tough for me brother. I wish I were there with you and dad and mom and lil Ricky. I can’t believe they fucking found me and fucking Antony ratted everyone out. Remember when I told you I had done it? I was so close to getting caught, I could feel it, I think that’s why I told you. Remember when Mom saw it on the news and as soon as they said “Three young Hispanic men…” she asked if I had done it? I was really scared when she asked that. Almost like she knew.

Let me tell you how it really happened.

Antony’s dad is into some mob shit as I told you before. We were at his house and he showed us a sawed-off twelve gauge gun. He brought it to school the next day and we scared a black guy with it. That night we went to score some pot at Chita Bar, and we were wandering around. Donnie had suggested before that we go stick up a store with the gun but we figured that they would most likely recognize us. So we decided to stick up a cab driver instead. I didn’t want to do it so I stayed in the back when it happened. Antony pointed the gun and asked for the money. The driver gave him the money and then he tried to take the gun away from Antony. That’s when Antony just let the gun go and shot the guy below the gut apparently. We fucking running and I went home afterwards. I was shaken obviously.

My social worker tells me that I can get out on weekends in two months if I am marked on good behavior. I hope this will happen. I have started smoking again because it helps pass the time. I also built a rack for all the rap tapes you are making me. I have an oral presentation in the following weeks and I decided to do it on our country. I will ask mom to cook something for the event. You can come too. It’s next week, Tuesday, January 5th at 7:30PM. Has anybody called me? Tell them I am here and give them my mailing address.

I love you,

Your brother.”

man of action and reasoning

“It is difficult to make a good film, no matter how good you think you may be. The problem is that the creative process rarely takes place in isolation. It takes place in the midst of regular life. I mean, I wake up and my wife has to go to work, my son goes to school, my friend Andreas has badminton practice, and I’m supposed to write a screenplay. This is why I hate commissioned works and my favorite films are those that came out of my own heart. I usually have no problem working on those. I can write the screenplay in five days and begin shooting the week after. So I always end up frustrated during rushes or in the editing room, trying to erase all the commonplace clichéd things I accidentally let slip in the film. It is hard work, and I barely manage to succeed. I must admit, my editor, Aaron C. Scott, is the true filmmaker, I would be nothing without him.” – Gaspar Noé

famous stories from the back of a pick-up

When I was younger, and this was in my late teens, I wanted a girlfriend badly so I could share all the cool music and cool books and cool stories I knew about. I remember going on a first date with a fat girl and bringing along a Bukowski book of poems. I think it was Love is a dog from Hell. I had highlighted in mauve the passages I wanted to share. The thing turned out to be very awkward. I wanted to pay for her meal but she refused. We later went over her dad’s place and began to make out. Unfortunately, she was on her period. We heard noise in the kitchen and I immediately got dressed and ran out the front door. In the distance I saw her on her balcony looking in my direction. It turned out the noise was nobody. I also left my book there. I went downtown the next day to buy another copy. I never saw this girl again.

I once went on a date with a goth girl. This was in my first year of University. I was a communications major and she studied literature. Her favorite author was Edgar Allen Poe. I made a joke about Poe’s mustache and she laughed. That’s when I noticed that her teeth were yellow. She clearly noticed that I had noticed so later on she casually mentioned that she had been on Accutane (acne-treatment medicine) for three years during high school and that this is what had turned her teeth yellow. I made a joke about her teeth to ease the awkward tension. We later went to my place and she confessed she was a lesbian.

I once dated an Indian girl. We were having phone sex one night and her dad picked up the phone while she was cumming. We broke up shortly after that.

I went to school with a Native Indian. We were in the same study group. One night, after a study session, I invited him to a bar. In the bar, he pulled out a pipe and began smoking. I thought it was a joke but he showed me his herb bag and cleaning kit. He told me he has an amputee cousin named Lite Foot who paints.

Before throwing himself out of the window of his apartment, philosopher Gilles Deleuze left a suicide note with a list of his ten favorite novels. Topping the list was Albert Camus’ The Fall.

Roland Barthes was run over by a truck.

Martin Heidegger’s mustache is an attempt to look like Edgar Allen Poe. Ginsberg’s beard is an attempt to look like Walt Whitman.

When Bob Dylan and John Lennon met they discussed sunglasses. You can see this in the outtakes of Robert Frank’s documentary “Eat The Document”.

When Binoche first worked with Kieslowski she couldn’t help but laugh at the mole between his eyebrows.

Olivier Assayas courted Maggie Cheung by showing her his 35MM print of Bergman’s Persona.

Wong Kar-Wai beats his wife and kids.

Tom Waits rarely has sex with his wife anymore. They have a platonic marriage.

Local artist Jean Leloup is my neighbor.

David Bowie is going through a spiritual crisis. He has considered Mormonism lately. The Mormon prophet has speculated he would welcome the celebrity singer into his religion anytime. He added that the song “Starman” on the Ziggy Stardust album is a spiritual work of great importance.

The Wu-Tang Clan long-delayed reunion album is not determined to see the light of day anytime soon pending the release of a compromising autobiography from low-profile member U-God whose book apparently airs out dirty details of homosexual rapports between some of the members of the group.

According to archivists, Georges Bataille is the first man to have conducted phone sex in the country of France.

A lot of women delay their desire to have kids by owning a pet or two. Most women veterinarians are said to be sterile.

On a sunny day Kafka went to the beach with his uncle. This is when he met Milena and began writing her letters. One day, on his way to post one of the letters, he got hit by a car. The driver was Karl Benz testing out his prototype of what would become the first Mercedez automobile. Kafka died shortly after this accident which worsened his tuberculosis.

It is no secret that all American Apparel models have sex with the photographer after the shoot.

Vice Magazine owner Todd McInnes has an Austrian grandmother who was a member of The Young Hitlerians.